The True After the Rose Confession by Susan Kehoe

Bachelor gif olivia winning

Happy Easter Monday!  This is a banner day.  Not just because death was put to death but also because this is the first guest post ever!  Meet my dear friend and one of my favorite people in the world Susan Kehoe.  Here’s her reply when I asked how people can connect with her:

Insta: @suzznews or Twitter: @susankehoe or my blog: myblogisbetterthanPete.com

Gold.  Pure gold.  Now you understand one of the many reasons that so many people love Suz so much.  She’s hilarious.  Onward.  Here’s her post:

 

I confess: I used to hate the Bachelor. Now, I don’t miss a week and have been a faithful Fantasy League player for the last 5 seasons. I’m not sure which confession is worse.

In the post-college “I’ll do anything to make friends” phase of my life, I pretended to like the Bachelor to meet girls my age and have something to talk about. I hid my eye rolls and annoyance at the fake romance, but began to be secretly invested in these “journeys” and soon it became must watch TV.

I watch for the drama, train wrecks and cool filming locations, all fully understanding it’s just a game. I get that it’s totally absurd to date dozens of people at the same time and expect helicopter rides and private concerts on every date. All of that is part of the deal when you turn on the TV on Monday nights. It’s “After the Rose” that bothers me most.

Bachelor you tonight vs you tomorrow

We know the odds are stacked against the new happy couple; it’s hanging in the air in the live studio audience that only 16% of final couples “make it.” We want to believe the best for them, but we fear that all the yacht rides, dinnerless dinners on the beach and snorkeling trips won’t replace the need for real connection. So what do they need? Same is true for every couple:

  • Time together. A seasoned family counselor said it’s a must to date someone at least a year before engagement, through all four seasons. Our lives and jobs have busy and slower times and even our brains go through changes throughout the year. Plus, you need to spend a Christmas and birthday with them!
  • Intimacy. True intimacy only comes from repair, and repair comes from tough times together, or so said our pre-marital counselor, and we couldn’t agree more. When we’ve been through hard times, we trust our partner and when we encounter more bumps in the road, we look back to previous hard times with a sense of fondness because we made it through!
  • Death. Okay, hear me out. Jesus says in John 12 that a seed must first die to produce more seeds, that “anyone who loves their life will lose it.” Tim Keller draws upon these words in his book, “The Meaning of Marriage.” He says we fight so hard to keep that new love, the butterfly feeling, but the truth is, the best comes after that love fades away and we develop a deeper, richer, committed love comes after the “thrills” have died away.

I want the very best for Lauren B, Ben and heck even Jojo, Caila and every other girl that wanted that final rose. I just don’t think they have “won” or “lost” yet. If the goal is a long term, committed relationship, let’s not pretend they have arrived. Private islands don’t deliver that, years together do.

 

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7 More Reasons You Watch The Bachelor

Bachelor gif Jojo what

Wow.  Last week was painful.  I can’t believe Ben is the champion of all Bachelors.  He told 2 women he loved them.  He didn’t need to.  He chose to.  Instead of one person being crushed after they got out of the helicopter (business as usual), it became utterly devastating.  Ben gave Jojo the most amount of false hope one can give—telling her he loves her.  This was unnecessary.  It was something he “felt” like doing.  It was wrong.  But somehow he was celebrated for it.  “I came into this not knowing if I would find love…but with you it WAS real…always.  I found love with you.  But I found it with somebody else more.”  Does anyone else have problems with this?  Maybe it’s in the definition of love.  Can you “find love” with 2 people at the same time?  That’s for a future post.  But for this week, onward.

7 more reasons you watch The Bachelor:

  1. You like to cringe. It is CRA-ZEE.  We want to see people do unbelievable things to win attention or win someone’s heart.  But secretly we wonder if we would do the same things.  (especially after copious amounts of wine and having an open bar 24-7).
  2. You are a hopeless romantic. We want to see this work.  It makes love seem so simple.  We love to see crazy dates that almost no one else will ever get to go on.  We want to see 2 people fall in love amid crazy circumstances and weird challenges.
  3. You are a voyeur. (and so am I)  We love to peek into people’s dates, intimate moments, conflict, make-out sessions, brokenness, and love life.
  4. You like to escape. It’s easier to talk about other people’s love lives than our own.
  5. You like to watch with other people. It is one of the few shows that people still watch live to be in the loop.  It is community-building and just plain fun.  It is as addictive as Chewy Spree, but much better for your teeth.  (one friend said she started out watching it reluctantly to make friends but got hooked).  It is the best water cooler talk and fodder for exciting conversation.
  6. It has a continuous storyline, even between seasons. It is so smart and savvy to use use people from the season before, because viewers are already invested in their “journey.”
  7. You get to judge and feel just a little bit morally superior with no repercussions. If we are honest, the show makes us feel a little better about ourselves.

Next week:  THE FIRST GUEST POST!!  Who will it be?  Drake?  Beyonce?  The Rock? Someone even better.  Stay tuned.

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7 Reasons you watch the Bachelor

Bachelor Ben

With the Bachelor finale airing tonight, I have been wondering what the draw is for this show.  Why do we watch it?  Why is it so compelling?…even for a curmudgeon like me.  A couple thoughts from the last couple of weeks:

–Twins competing for the same guy?  That’s good for the family dynamic.  That won’t make you insecure.  For the rest of your life.

–Does the rose ceremony remind anyone else of the tribal council from Survivor?  With only one person voting.  Sorry, you’re off the island.  Extinguish your flame. (of love)

–Did Ben really tell 2 gals he loved them?  In the same episode?!  I’m clearly no expert but that doesn’t sound like a recipe for success.

–Caila’s departure was one of the most painful things I’ve ever seen.  Olivia’s wasn’t much better.  It is brutal to have feelings for someone but not have them reciprocated.

–Several gals said “I can’t believe the way he makes me feel.  I’ve never felt this way.”  Does that mean that he is the “one”?

“One thing’s for sure. When you’re on the Bachelor, you may not catch the man of your dreams, but chances are you’ll catch something!”

Had some help from some great friends Susan, Caroline, and Sara this week.

7 Reasons you love The Bachelor:

  1. You are hardwired for love. We desire it.  Plain and simple.  At its core, this show promises the discovery of true love, that one person we were meant to be with, our soulmate.  We all want that and hope for it.
  2. You want to see trainwrecks. It makes us feel better about ourselves.  When people breakdown, go crazy, break under pressure, seem desperate, do weird things, etc. we say to ourselves:  “I’m better than that.  I would never do that.”  It’s the same principle as Jersey Shore.  (which I have to confess I watched from start to finish—no hate mail please).
  3. We see ourselves in the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  We wish we were the B/B having our pick of all these attractive, exciting people fighting for our attention.
  4. We see ourselves in the contestants.  We want to be chosen. We want to be the one that someone picks.  We want to win someone’s heart.
  5. It’s funny and ridiculous. Mindless entertainment.  Even though it’s crazy unrealistic.
  6. You like competition. This is the romance version of a sporting event.  You get to root for your favorite, complete with underdogs, front runners, “hated” players, etc.  It even has Bachelor Fantasy leagues!
  7. You want to see heartbreak. There is something strangely compelling about seeing grown men and women cry after not being picked.  We’ve all been in that situation.

It all comes down to tonight.  How can you choose between 2 people you love?  We’ll find out tonight.  We won’t be able to tear our eyes away from the screen.  Maybe we’ll just have to poke them out.

Next week:  7 more reasons you watch The Bachelor

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10 Ways to become someone’s soulmate (Part 2)

Bachelor soulmate towels

Thanks so much for all the feedback.  I really appreciate the conversation and dialogue.  I’ve gotten so many emails and texts back with ideas, articles, thoughts, opinions, disagreements, etc. and I LOVE it.  Keep them coming.  Check out Part 1 The first 5 ways to become someone’s soulmate. 

Here is one of my favorite thoughts from one of my favorite people.  Shari Gaffney writes about The Bachelor:

“The one (and maybe only) redeeming quality [of the show] is the ability to see how a person you’re interested in relates in a group. Often dating takes place in isolation ~ But how does that person interact with others?…Have I shared my idea?  Scrap the swanky Fantasy Suite and replace it with the Reality House.  This is where a mini-van littered with cheerios (rather than a limo or helicopter) picks up the couple and takes them to a house full of kids with the flu. They need to care for the kids, make dinner (and there’s no ABC stocked pantry) there’s a checkbook on the counter with very little money for groceries and a pet is running wildly around the house. Let’s see if they are still soulmates and can envision a lifetime together 🙂  That’s more like real life ~ haha!” 

I watched a little bit this past Monday and it was painful.  Caila was blindsided after she put herself out there and was vulnerable.  Onward.  The second 5 ways to become someone’s soulmate:

6. Be vulnerable. Be transparent.  Take risks.  (maybe not like Caila though.  I’m no expert but pretty sure it’s not good to tell someone you love them if they are dating 2 other people at that time).

7. Serve God. Give your lives away together.  Soulmate = soul alignment.   “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” –Antoine de Saint-Exupery.  It is in giving that we receive.

8. Serve each other. Put a serving towel over your arm and follow Jesus’ example.  Learn their love languages—how do they give and receive love? Gary Chapman has a great book about this.

9.  Be grateful for them. Have a posture of gratitude.  Work hard to see and recognize the incredible blessing that a partner/companion is.  See the best in them.

10. Encourage them. Dream for them.  Have a vision for who they could become. Not just complimenting or flattery but look for the greatness and help to draw it out.

OK next week back to the Bachelor.  Why is it so scintillating?

In coming weeks:  Can you fall in love with the wrong person?  Can you be in love with 2 people at the same time?

 

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10 WAYS TO BECOME SOMEONE’S SOULMATE

 

Bachelor soulmate on a different dating site 2

“…humans are scouring the globe for someone with whom a relationship will require absolutely no work or compromise…Many adult humans who have long ago dismissed Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny as myths somehow persist in believing this person to exist.” –Eric Metaxas

Perspective has the ability to change everything.  Two ways exist to see potential marriage relationships: romantic destiny or romantic growth.  Romantic destiny says there is one person I’m designed to be with and it will be seamless, effortless, and unmistakably true.  I’ll know it when I meet them.  I just have to find them. The Romantic Growth model says any relationship worth having will require sacrifice, hard work, and love.  But it will be worth it.  Romantic growth holds to the belief that we can do things to make our relationship better.  There is not that one person out there because love is a choice, not without feelings but bigger than any feeling.

I don’t think we have that one person.  But I think the person that we choose can become our soulmate if we both work towards it.  It is not about romantic destiny but about romantic growth.

10 TIPS TO BECOME SOMEONE’S SOULMATE

  1. Love Jesus first. HE is meant to complete us.  If we put Him first and our spouse second, we can grow into their soulmate.  We must be secure in our own individual self-worth and satisfied with our single journey before we join someone else.  As our Creator develops us and makes us more caring, responsive, sacrificial, and secure, we can love our spouse better and better.
  2. Listen.  Be quick to listen and slow to speak.  Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.
  3. Learn.  Be interested in them.  Find out what they like and don’t like.  Anticipate their needs.  Get to know them deeply.  We can never reach the bottom of who another person is.
  4. Love unconditionally. No strings attached.  We change to the degree that we know we are loved.
  5. Let it go. (just like Anna and Elsa) Forgive and ask forgiveness.  Keep short accounts.  Don’t go to bed angry. Choose to assume the best and give the benefit of the doubt.

I’ve never been married so what do I know?  Most of these are much easier said than done.  What do the married peeps have to say?

Next week numbers 6-10.  (5 more ways we can become someone’s soulmate.)

 

 

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